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(according to Garrison Keillor in the persona of Mr. Blue, advice columnist)

Jan. 2, 2001

Dear Mr. Blue,

Fifteen years ago, I began practicing a much maligned religion called Wicca. It has brought a sense of connectedness and well-being that I received from no other source. I am quite happy spiritually. But some people can't handle my religion: Some friends have turned away from me and I am estranged from my own family. So, understandably, I'm a bit hesitant to tell most people about my beliefs. I'm engaged to a wonderful, loving man who is a very sincere Christian. We have a great relationship because we respect each other's opinions and points of view. My future mother-in-law is a warm, kindhearted woman, rather conservative in her religious leanings, and she does not know about mine. She has made great efforts to make me feel comfortable within the family, but I cannot feel truly welcome until she knows who/what I am. I'd like to tell her before we are married, but my fiancé wants me to just leave it be. Is it so wrong for me to want to know how she'd accept me after learning about my beliefs?

 

Not a Wicked Witch!

 

Dear Not,

This is a good plot for a sitcom. Bob brings his fiancée, Glenda, home to Summerville to meet Mom, a devout hymn-singing cake-baking Baptist, and Bob drops Glenda's suitcase on the stairs, and it springs open, and all these funny necklaces and statues and pictures of Beelzebub fall out. A great commotion ensues, shouting, weeping, slamming of doors, and then three commercials, and then peace is restored. Maybe Glenda uses her witchcraft to locate a lost child. Maybe she forecasts a tornado and saves the town from destruction. Everybody's happy. In real life, people aren't happy about this. Your sincere Christian's conservative mother will not freely accept having a Wiccan daughter-in-law. Maybe you could put a spell on her or whip up a potion in your cauldron, but on her own, she is not going to accept you. It would've been uphill even if you'd been a macramé Unitarian or a mackerel-snapping Catholic. Jewish would've been tough. Wiccan? You've got ,to be kidding.

 

And, for good measure, here's anther Mr. Blue column urging compassion for our #1 Klutz in the White House (written you notice, before 9/11! I still think it's good advice, however.):

 

Dear Mr. Blue,

I am writing to you not because I have marital woes, dysfunctional family problems, writer's block, etc. but because on Jan. 21, I still feel as angry and despondent as I did on Dec. 12 when the Supreme Court handed the presidency (and therefore my country) to a candidate whose claim to victory shall ever remain dubious.

 

I consider myself a creative and resourceful person with a dry sense of humor, but my heart is so heavy now. My good friends all seem to be booked in steerage of the same boat I'm on. Part of me would love to drop out, but there is something within me preventing the luxury of dissociation So, Mr. Blue, what's a fellow to do?

 

Leftover Sixties Idealist

Dear Leftover,

President Bush is in the Oval Office and nobody is so surprised and alarmed as he. His uncertainty is visible in the way he makes entrances and carries out the simplest public acts, and it's sort of endearing, isn't it? I mean, the guy is certainly aware of his own shallowness, he has to live with it every day of his life. Bill Clinton stole the show every time the two were together in public, right up to when the Bushes got the Clintons stuffed into the limo and sent them away. To attempt to govern from a set of bromides and applause lines is not a fulfilling or dignified life for a grown-up, and Mr. Bush's greatest pleasures as president may be his encounters with tour groups in the White House. So save some despondency for him. As for anger, you can go be angry at the Supremes for their impulsive lurch into judicial activism, and yes, you could be angry at the Florida Republican machine for their brazenness, but where do you stop? Do you cut in Ralph Nader for some anger, and Donna Brazile, and Al Gore, and Colin Powell for vouching for a man he well knows is a lightweight, and Sen. McCain, and all the other folks responsible for this tongue-tied bozo? It's too long a list. You'd wind up a sour embittered old coot snarling at the TV. Best to clean out the files and start fresh. Take a vacation from the media and do some good for yourself.

 

The two best antidotes, I think, are the outdoors and the classics. The inherent interest of the photo op and the sound bite and the focus group pale next to the beauty and grace of the natural world when you venture out into the woods and consult your immortal soul, or the majesty of Marcus Aurelius or Horace or Ovid. They speak to us from the ruins of cities that knew their own Dubyas, and they speak to our condition vividly and with powerful wit and conviction beyond anything you'll find on the evening news. Just as soldiers might read the 23rd Psalm the night before battle, it suits you to listen to the ancients before you re-enter the lists. When you're ready to resume citizenship, take a trip to Washington and poke around the Capitol, visit your congressman, see what sessions you can attend, try to cop a ticket to the Court, pull strings to get an inside glance. It isn't that hard to get behind the ropes. But do know that the Supreme Court has no power to hand the country over to anybody, and Mr. Bush is not running the country. He is trying to manage the presidency, a very different thing. The country belongs to the people, and is in the hands of God, and in another year and a half, you can try to pull the levers in your direction. Courage.

 

Next page: Do chicken singing to help you relax .....

 

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